It is not just about you

Pslam 145:16 "You open your hand; you satisfy the desire of every living creature."

I woke up with my window cracked and a breeze coming in.  What a wonderful way to greet a new day.  I brewed my daily cup of coffee, grabbed a bowl of cereal, and headed back to my bed to spend time with my Creator.  I have been working my way through the Pslams and on this morning I read Pslam 145.  I got to verse 16 and just sat and praised God.  I said things like, "thank you for satisfying all my desires, for being all that I need, and for being my creator."  At that moment a small bird landed on the part of our roof that I can see from my window.  I sat and stared at it for a few minutes and it sat still enough to let me admire it.  God said to me, "Don't forget about the rest of my creation.  Don't forget about the birds.  It is not just about you."

He caught me in a moment where I was making His word about just me.  He caught me applying the words of the Psalms to just my own heart.  He reminded me that He satisfies the desires of all of His creation and He will make all of His creation new.  He fulfills the desires of the birds, the deer, the fish, and the giraffes.  To say that He only fulfills my desires is to limit His love and His power.  Yes, He does fulfill mine and He does so beautifully!!!  Oh, but He does so much more than that.  Praise Him for His never ending love and His incomprehensible passion for His creation.

"Behold, I am making all things new." Revelation 21:5

hey, I'll cover you.

"Three dollars and fifty eight cents," I heard over my shoulder as I tried on thrift store dresses with my best friend.  "Oh, I'm sorry we don't take credit."

Oh, cash only thrift shops!  I knew this thrift shop didn't take credit and was thankful that I had about fifteen dollars and some change in my wallet.  I interjected, "Oh, I'll cover you."

With a shocked face like his heart had stopped he muttered, "Really?"  As I turned for my wallet he then traded glances with the other man at the counter, both mouthing wow to each other.

I kind of chuckled, "Yeah, I've been here before and have had to run and get cash just to buy a sweater. I don't want you to have to go to the bank."

Stilled a little floored, "Uhm, really? Ok"

Looking at his purchase I said, "Yeah, I've got you.  Besides, I wouldn't want you to go without that hat and belt."

"Wow, thanks."

"You're welcome."

We traded names and a handshake and then parted ways.

After buying Andi a snazzy dress and a skirt for myself we left the Tip Top Thrift Shop.  Getting into her car I said, "That shouldn't be out of the norm.  People shouldn't be floored by that kind of generosity."  Giving of ourselves for others should be second nature.  Sharing what we have should come so easily to us that it naturally flows from us.  People should know Christians as "those people" who are sacrificial and willing to give of themselves and their resources.  If someone forgot their id at Jack and Ed's, cover the cost of their pizza.  Surprise the car behind you in line at Crane by paying for their coffee.  Are you willing to give of yourself for a stranger?  For someone who can never love you back or pay you back?

"Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God." Hebrews 13:16

what is the capital of st louis?! reconciliation!

One year ago I embarked on a journey that would change me forever and continues to change me to this day.  I said no to working all summer.  I said no to going to the final year of the college world series at Rosenblatt.  I said no to comfort.  I said no to 'me time'.  And it turned out, I would forever be saying no to remaining stagnant in my faith.  Last summer I went to St. Louis for a seven week internship with InterVarsity called CityLights.  We lived in a building that was formally a school for deaf children ran by nuns.  The rooms we slept in were made for one nun, yet we fit three (although, we're not nuns) people.  Thirty-one college students, four IV staff workers, a one year old, and you've got a recipe for messy yet beautiful time.  I had no idea what I was getting myself into; I was excited to live in community and work in an urban area-that is about all I knew before hand.

I witnessed hurt.  I witnessed love.  I witnessed a one year old take her first steps.  I heard stories of children I loved dearly being shot at.  I befriended the homeless and drug addicts.  I lived for a week in an area of St Louis most wouldn't dare venture to.  I spent a retreat of silence in a junk yard.  I struggled with forgiveness.  I struggled with sin.  I gained a whole new family.  I was forced to depend on God instead of myself in situations that tested me.  I worshipped in new languages.  I had my heart wrecked by God, yet comforted at the same time.  I was given the blessing of new brothers and sisters in Christ.  I was valued as a woman and as a sister.  I was shown what love truly looks like from a godly man.  I experienced community that I would never experience again.

It is crazy to think that it was a year ago that I was in the living room on 82nd street.  A year ago I was meeting people that God would forever bind to my heart and soul.  A year ago I fell in love with a city that is completely broken, yet entirely beautiful.

God showed His grace to me last summer by calling me to CityLights and showing me what it truly looked like to be His disciple.  At the end of the summer we had to fill out an evaluation and we were asked the question, "Why do you think God called you here this summer?"  I am positive that God called me to show me what it actually looked like to be His disciple and what I have to be willing to give up to follow Him--the cost of following Him.  God showed me that I can live without hair.  God showed me I can sleep with one pillow instead of two.  God showed me that I don't need a giant room and 'me time' to be content.  God showed me that I didn't need facebook to be connected or to maintain relationships.  He constantly revealed to my heart what I could live without and what He requires of me to hand over to follow Him.

He is still showing me what I can live without.  I can live without text-messaging and still have meaningful relationships with people.  Through not having cable, He has showed me how He is to be my entertainment and joy.  I look forward to and I pray that God keeps revealing things in my life that are not of Him and that He is calling me to live without for His glory.  It is my prayer that He keeps me on the potter's wheel and keeps molding me to be more like His son.  CityLights showed me that growing as a disciple is a process and a painful one at that.  I mean, who wants to have parts of their fleshly identity shaved off and chiseled away?  It is painful, but Jesus calls us to be shaped and transformed by His gospel and no one said it was an easy ride.

If I shared everything that I learned while in St Louis I could fill an entire year of blog posts.  Learning what it costs to be a disciple of Jesus was just a small sliver of how God wrecked and transformed my heart last summer.  I am anxious to see what God does with my heart while I am in Ethiopia this summer.

if only.

The Austin Stone Community Church - Austin, TX from Verge Network on Vimeo.

If only. If only I had this much of a burden for Creighton's campus.

Lord, fill me with a burden to reach the International students at Creighton.

"The most powerful thing you can do is love him."

"this may sound cliche, but I'm going to say it anyway; love him."

1.  feel the hurt. mourn the loss. know that it is ok to be mad. it is ok to be upset. it is ok to hurt. Ecclesiastes 3:1 "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven"

2.  forgive him.  Ephesians 4:32 "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."

3.  love him. 1 Peter 4:8 "Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins."


It makes sense right?  Experience the hurt. Move into forgiveness. Move into actively loving.  On paper it makes sense. It is the formula scripture gives us for reconciliation.  Christ tells us to forgive those who have hurt us, because we are forgiven; we have experienced His grace so we should spread it to others!  We should love our enemies and pray for them; PRAY FOR OUR ENEMIES.  Through experiencing hurt, forgiveness, and love, healing takes place.  These are the commands given to us in scripture.  This is what we are told to do when we come up to opposition and hurtful times.

Easier said then done, eh?  Easier to say, "pray for your enemies," than actually praying for the person who rear ended your car yesterday.  Easier to say, "forgive those who hurt you," than actually forgiving someone who has wounded you.  Right now I am amidst a broken relationship (aren't we all?).  I have been deeply hurt and wounded by someone close to me and have been for years.  Recently it has come to a boiling point and something has to be done about it.  I know I have to take action instead of wallowing, but I don't want to.  I don't want to forgive.  My heart doesn't yearn to love him.  I have so much inter turmoil right now, because I know what I should do.  I know what the gospel tells me to do and the steps to take, yet my heart isn't there. Right now, I am finding that I don't want to be transformed by the gospel in this situation.  I find myself wanting to stay angry and distant.  I know forgiving and loving him will be one of the hardest things I do and I don't think I'm ready for that.


Lord, I long to want to be transformed by the gospel.


I had a conversation about this mess with someone from my missional community with Coram Deo and I closed our talk with, "I don't want my heart to become hard.  I don't want that to be me."
He replied, "We won't let that happen.  You are going to have to walk away from us before we let that happen."


Praise God for community and accountability.  I am incredibly thankful for those who have surrounded me with love and prayers.  I am thankful for those who have chosen to walk along side me in this season of hurt in my life.  I am thankful for those who refuse to let me stay where I currently am, for those who long to see me transformed by the gospel, and for those who will challenge me to change.

motivation

Daniel Bashta-My Worship in Motion


"Potter's Wheel"
Make me
Shape me
Into everything that You want me to be
Make me
Shape me
Into everything that You want me to be and more
So place me on the potter’s wheel
Spin me until
There’s nothing left but You in my life
Cause brokenness is what I want
So do a work Yeah in my heart
So when You look at me
You see Your reflection
You see Your reflection
You see Your reflection
You see Your reflection


I have never been a blogger, always a reader of blogs.  I have never really put my thoughts on the internet, only in my own journal.  I think and process through writing;  I learn through working out the messiness of life with words.  So, I thought it might be time for me to start a blog.  Maybe my musings about the brokenness of life and the struggle to desire to be transformed by the gospel will be of some help or a blessing to someone out there. That is my motivation to start a blog.  It is my constant prayer that God transforms me with His word and that He weeds out the things in my life that aren't of Him; I'm excited to share this journey with more than just my prayer journal.