what is the capital of st louis?! reconciliation!

One year ago I embarked on a journey that would change me forever and continues to change me to this day.  I said no to working all summer.  I said no to going to the final year of the college world series at Rosenblatt.  I said no to comfort.  I said no to 'me time'.  And it turned out, I would forever be saying no to remaining stagnant in my faith.  Last summer I went to St. Louis for a seven week internship with InterVarsity called CityLights.  We lived in a building that was formally a school for deaf children ran by nuns.  The rooms we slept in were made for one nun, yet we fit three (although, we're not nuns) people.  Thirty-one college students, four IV staff workers, a one year old, and you've got a recipe for messy yet beautiful time.  I had no idea what I was getting myself into; I was excited to live in community and work in an urban area-that is about all I knew before hand.

I witnessed hurt.  I witnessed love.  I witnessed a one year old take her first steps.  I heard stories of children I loved dearly being shot at.  I befriended the homeless and drug addicts.  I lived for a week in an area of St Louis most wouldn't dare venture to.  I spent a retreat of silence in a junk yard.  I struggled with forgiveness.  I struggled with sin.  I gained a whole new family.  I was forced to depend on God instead of myself in situations that tested me.  I worshipped in new languages.  I had my heart wrecked by God, yet comforted at the same time.  I was given the blessing of new brothers and sisters in Christ.  I was valued as a woman and as a sister.  I was shown what love truly looks like from a godly man.  I experienced community that I would never experience again.

It is crazy to think that it was a year ago that I was in the living room on 82nd street.  A year ago I was meeting people that God would forever bind to my heart and soul.  A year ago I fell in love with a city that is completely broken, yet entirely beautiful.

God showed His grace to me last summer by calling me to CityLights and showing me what it truly looked like to be His disciple.  At the end of the summer we had to fill out an evaluation and we were asked the question, "Why do you think God called you here this summer?"  I am positive that God called me to show me what it actually looked like to be His disciple and what I have to be willing to give up to follow Him--the cost of following Him.  God showed me that I can live without hair.  God showed me I can sleep with one pillow instead of two.  God showed me that I don't need a giant room and 'me time' to be content.  God showed me that I didn't need facebook to be connected or to maintain relationships.  He constantly revealed to my heart what I could live without and what He requires of me to hand over to follow Him.

He is still showing me what I can live without.  I can live without text-messaging and still have meaningful relationships with people.  Through not having cable, He has showed me how He is to be my entertainment and joy.  I look forward to and I pray that God keeps revealing things in my life that are not of Him and that He is calling me to live without for His glory.  It is my prayer that He keeps me on the potter's wheel and keeps molding me to be more like His son.  CityLights showed me that growing as a disciple is a process and a painful one at that.  I mean, who wants to have parts of their fleshly identity shaved off and chiseled away?  It is painful, but Jesus calls us to be shaped and transformed by His gospel and no one said it was an easy ride.

If I shared everything that I learned while in St Louis I could fill an entire year of blog posts.  Learning what it costs to be a disciple of Jesus was just a small sliver of how God wrecked and transformed my heart last summer.  I am anxious to see what God does with my heart while I am in Ethiopia this summer.